


The Boy and the Jock

by musicmy13



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Becoming a Couple, Falling In Love, Hannah's suicide never happened, M/M, alternative universe, hannah's not a part of this story
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-28
Updated: 2018-09-15
Packaged: 2019-07-03 21:45:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 9,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15827547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/musicmy13/pseuds/musicmy13
Summary: Alternative universe where Alex Standall has a crush on Zach Dempsey since forever, but it is only when the smaller boy takes interest in one of the popular girls that Zach seems find himself to be the one falling head over heels in love or is it all in his head? And even if his feelings are genuine is he too late to realize he might have just thrown it all away?





	1. A. Einstein

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”   
― [ **Albert Einstein**](https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/9810.Albert_Einstein)

## Alex

Annoying right, how all your friends seem to fall in love and you’re the one with a crush on someone who will never return the feelings. Well, life sucks. At least for me. The boy – or should I say bisexual boy – who happens to have feelings for a jock, and worst part of it all? He’s my best friend.

He might not be the smartest guy out there but he’s sweet and genuinely cares about everyone and everything, and did I mention he’s smoking hot? Well he’s that and so many other great things. So as I sit here in the locker room, drooling over the shirtless Zach Dempsey, there’s another boy who asks for my attention in a not so pleasant way.

“ALEX” I feel something heavy hitting the back of my head and turn around to see Justin Foley smirking at me, I hope he didn’t catch the dreamy look I was just giving Zach seconds ago. “Yeah, I’m here. Thanks for hitting me with that baseball.” I say sarcastically. “That happens when I shout your name and you don’t answer. Which chick are your thoughts with? Because she must be very attractive if you’re that absent.” Justin says and all the boys start making fun of me. “It’s just – Jessica” I say the first name that bursts into my head and all the boys go nuts. I immediately regret saying her name, but what else could I do. I mean I couldn’t tell all the jocks- including **_him_** – that I had a crush on the Asian boy.

We get changed and I’m relieved that the boys are leaving me alone about the subject, that is until we’re in the cafeteria, waiting in line for food a few people before us is Jessica Davis. She’s a very pretty girl with brown hair and brown eyes, which really compliments the tone of her skin. She is head of the cheerleaders and therefore also one of the most popular girls at school.

It sucks for me that she is a part of our ‘group’ here at school, because I know that means the boys won’t stop teasing me until I ask her out. And I mean I could do worse, but I just don’t like to be turned down in front of the whole school. Which will probably happen if I ask her on a date. Maybe I should’ve thought about that before blurting out her name.

Zach – who is standing behind me and is so large he can spot anyone at any time – notices Jessica, too and elbows me, “There’s your girl” he says winking, oblivious to the fact that the only one that I want to be mine is him. I’m secretly hoping the boys will just leave me alone and give me the space ‘to come to terms with my feelings’. But they wouldn’t be who they are if they would just let me handle it on my own.

Justin takes methods into his own hands and yells – so everyone can hear, teachers included – “Hey Davis, I’ve got someone here who’s dying to ask you something. Isn’t that right, Standall” He pushes me towards the center of the cafeteria so that not only everyone can hear us, but also see us. Yay, I’m so lucky to have such good friends, who don’t embarrass me at all. (I was being sarcastic for those who didn’t notice.)

I was heating up like a hot air balloon. Jessica broke apart from her friends, who were all giggling and gossiping. Like that’s all those girls ever do so…

“H-Hi Jess” I stutter as she comes up to me and Justin. I see Zach, Marcus, Jeff, Scott and the others watching – seemingly enjoying themselves too. Zach gives me thumbs up and I wonder how I got myself into this mess.

Here I am about to get humiliated in front of the school by asking the girl - I don’t even have the hots for - out.

“Is there something you wanted to ask me Alex?” Jessica asks, do I detect a hopeful look in her eyes? Nah, probably just my imagination.

I gather all my courage, before Justin does it instead of me which would only make things worse. So I hear myself saying: “Yeah, uhm, I don’t know how to put this but… Do you want to- I don’t know – maybe go out with me sometime?” I stare at the floor and add: “No problem if you say no, I completely underst-“ “I would love to Alex!” Jessica says excitedly and she hugs me. I’m flabbergasted. What did just happen?

I hear applause and cheers from all around me while I hold Jessica. Wow, this has to be one of the craziest days ever.


	2. R. Frost

 “In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.”   
― [ **Robert Frost**](https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/7715.Robert_Frost)

## Zach

I cheer as loud as I can. I’m so happy for my boy Alex. I knew something was up with him lately, he was even more absent than before, so it was no surprise when he finally admitted to have a crush on one of the most popular girls of our school. I can’t blame him, Jessica Davis is very pretty and she’s smart as well. Perfect fit for Alex.

He and I have been friends since forever. We hang out at each other’s house.  Plus I give him a ride to school every day. He’s also the one that I talk with when things aren’t going great at home. Ever since my dad died, two summers ago things have changed a lot. My mom doesn’t know how to handle her feelings and it isn’t easy when you have a younger sister that you need to protect at all costs. It’s great that I can always count on Alex to cheer me up.

“Good job bro” I whisper to Alex when he joins me and the rest of the jocks again. He just simply smiles at me, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. I wonder what’s up, but I won’t ask when the other’s are here. I make myself promise that I ask him after school, when we’re alone.

The rest of the day is no special, while we’re in my car Alex asks me to come play video games at his place and of course I say yes. Other than that Alex doesn’t seem to be himself. Like he’s holding his breath or something.

We say hello to his mother, who isn’t surprised to see me at all. She’s kind of used to me being here since I come over almost every day. Her smile makes me always feel so welcome.

I’ve always loved Alex’ room, it’s so him. From the blue walls to the posters of his favorite bands and video games, to the bedside lamp with little cars on it. It reflects him perfectly. I wish my room had a little more personality like this. My room- our whole house actually- feels so empty, like we’re not really living there. And maybe we aren’t.

“Great Jessica said yes, huh” I say starting the conversation. I really hope Alex will say what is bothering him. “Yeah, really cool” he says not really enthusiastic. His blue eyes looking anywhere but in my brown ones. “Is something wrong?” I ask directly. “I’m just not having the greatest day, but I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s just play.” He says cutting me off.

I’m not really keeping my head in the game, I can’t help but wondering about what’s wrong with Alex. Everything seemed to be just fine hours ago, or wasn’t it. Ever since he asked out Jessica, he seemed less cheerful. But she couldn’t be the reason, could she? I mean he just got her to go on a date with him. And his mom seemed fine, too, so I know it doesn’t have anything to do with his family.

I will leave him alone for now, but if he keeps shutting me out I’m going to stick my foot into that door until he tells me what is really bothering him.


	3. J.K. Rowling

“It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.”   
― [ **J.K. Rowling**](https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/1077326.J_K_Rowling), [ **Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone**](https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/4640799)

## Alex

Zach knew something was up yesterday, because he kept asking. And I really just wanted to blurt out that I have feelings for him, but I couldn’t. I don’t want to ruin our friendship. He has been there for me through so much and I can’t throw that away because of how I feel. I rather have him as a good friend and nothing more, than as some boy I used to know before I blew it all.

Wow, look at me getting all sentimental and stuff. I really hate what he’s turning me into.

Lately, I can’t help but feel so lonely and that loneliness sometimes develops into pure despair. The feeling that I just don’t want to go on anymore, but when that happens I call Zach and he’s there. I know that he’s lonely, too. Ever since that dark summer where he lost both his parents – well it is true that only his father died, but he feels like he has lost his mom as well, since she’s shutting her children out. He tries everything to be the big brother and father figure for his younger sister May, but it’s hard for him, I can tell.

My mother knows I’m bisexual, and I’m pretty sure she knows about my not-so-well-hidden crush on Zach, but she doesn’t say anything about it which I’m very grateful for. For her the only thing that matters is if I’m happy and okay I admit my crush does make it hard sometimes, but he still makes me happy more often than sad.

Zach stays over for dinner, my mom made her famous home-made lasagna, which was so famous around the neighborhood that nobody could resist it. Zach and I were helping her set up the table, when dad came home after a rough day at the police station: “Still no sign from that missing girl. Her parents are worried sick and worried parents only make it harder to find a missing person.” He sits at his usual place at the table.

My brother’s seat is taken by Zach, he’s here more often than my brother - who goes to college in another city. I’m lucky my parents like Zach so much. Well, he’s quite impossible not to like. He’s adorable, kind, generous, handsome- I better stop there before I start drooling over him in front of my parents.

“So Zach, how is your sister?” Dad asks, like always. At first he used to ask about his mother, too, but he started noticing how the younger boy didn’t like to talk about her so he started just asking about May. Zach’s eyes always lit up when he talks about his sister.

“Oh, she’s great. She just started acro and you should see her, she’s so into it. I reckon she will become a great gymnast.” Knowing May and all the acrobatic things she does, he’s probably right. And she also has enough energy for that, I love her but she can be quite the hands full.

The rest of dinner is great, nothing odd happens and I feel myself cheering up after today. I admit I was kind of upset that it didn’t seem to bother Zach that I was gonna go on a date with Jessica, but maybe it’s for the better. Maybe it’s time to move on.

At 9PM Zach decides to go home, dad has gone to bed early and now it’s just me and mom. We’re watching a stupid comedy, neither one of us is enjoying/really watching,  but we’re both too drowsy to change channels.

“How was your day?” Mom asks after a while. Which makes me sit straight – I’ll never be fully straight though.

“It was okay” “Nothing special happened?” she goes on, like she knows. “We played some baseball, went to boring classes, just a regular school day.”

“So it’s not like you asked out a girl or something?” she says grinning. “How do you know that?!” I ask, how could she know, I didn’t tell her so it must’ve been-

“Zach mentioned something earlier. He was made up for you” I am speechless, I know Zach didn’t do this on purpose but he definitely made things quite awkward. “But you don’t seem too excited about it.” Mom concludes, because she is way less oblivious than Zach.

“Look mom, I don’t want to talk about it.” I can feel myself starting to turn red. “Can’t we go back to watching this stupid movie?” I asks desperately.

“After you tell me what is bothering you. Look I know you Alex, I can see you’re totally smitten with Zach, and I can see that it eats you up inside not being able to tell him about it. But you have two choices here okay: or you tell him straight away or you let him go, move on. Why not go on this date with that girl. Who knows, maybe she’s perfect for you and just what you’re looking for.”

 “But-“

“I know she isn’t your first choice, I know she’s not Zach, but you can’t wait for him forever. You have to be realistic and I know you don’t want to lose him, but he’s your best friend and that won’t change even if you move on. And if you don’t want to move on with a girl, which is totally okay, than look for a nice guy.”

“I think you’re right mom, but it’s hard you know.” I get that she’s right though, and starting tomorrow I’m going to do my best to give Jessica a proper chance, maybe she is indeed all that I was looking for. Very unlikely, but I don’t want to be a jerk to her. “Thank you” Mom gives me a hug and I feel 10 again, safe and sound in the comforting arms of my mother. Have I mentioned I’m becoming way too soppy?!


	4. R.W. Emerson

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”   
― [ **Ralph Waldo Emerson**](https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/12080.Ralph_Waldo_Emerson)

## Zach

It was Saturday which meant babysitting my sister May. I didn’t mind, I love her and since dad’s not here anymore I want to be everything for her. Alex said he would be here in a couple of minutes and May cannot wait. I promised her we could play twister, so now she’s eagerly whipping on her chair in anticipation.

I love that May likes Alex. They are the two most important persons in my life and them getting along only makes it better. Alex loves playing big brother with her because he doesn’t have a sister himself. It’s funny to see how he gets to let out his playful side when she’s around.

Mom isn’t too keen on Alex, says he’s around way too often and has a bad influence on me. Which is a huge lie, plus she wouldn’t even know because she’s never around. But I think she’s jealous because he is a bigger part of this family than she is. It hurts her that when she comes home and orders to have a ‘family dinner’ with take-away food, all May can talk about is how much fun Alex is. And I’m not making it any better, because I tend to talk a lot about the smaller, blue-eyed boy.

I felt so much pressure in school after dad died, because I just wanted to make everyone proud of me: Zach Dempsey. I wanted my mother’s approval more than anything, I wanted my mother to notice how much effort I was putting in, but to this day she never showed interest.

At least, not when I was doing my best. Only when things didn’t go all too well, she met with the principal and talked about me not doing good enough. But that was right after my father passed away, what did she expect. I had feelings, I wasn’t as cold hearted as she pretended to be.

But since that meeting I promised myself that I would do everything to make her proud of the son I am. But I also promised myself to become a better athlete, because I know my dad had always admired me for that.

It wasn’t easy being one of the most popular guys in school, people tend to forget that they have feelings, too. Even though quite a bunch of girls have asked me out I was never interested. That didn’t mean that I wasn’t lonely. To be honest, I was lonely most of the time, the only person that helped was Alex. Alex always makes me feel as if I’m good enough.

I look up to Alex because he’s always himself and doesn’t change for anybody. He never changed because of the pressure of the world to be like everyone else. No, it just made him wanting to be different even more.

My mother would kill me if I would dye my hair platinum blond. Well I have to admit I could never rock that look like Alex did a year ago. I can’t decide which Alex look I love most: Alex with the blond hair and nose piercing or the Alex from now: Brown hair and tattoo on his arm. Well, the Alex from now is way more confident and nothing suits him better than that.

I was awoken from my thoughts by a knock on the door, May jumped and sprinted to open it. She hugged Alex as he was making his way to the living room. He was carrying the game in one hand and was holding my sister with the other.

“Ready to lose, Zach-y?” Alex winked as a greeting, being all sassy. I really had to prove myself to be the better man here and I knew I had to beat him at this stupid game. Alex set the game up, which must have been a challenge with May hanging on his knee. She was 13 but Alex seemed to bring out the kid in her. Which was good because mom didn’t let her when she was around.

We started playing Twister and I forgot how inflexible my body was and therefore a real nightmare to play a game like this. I knew that it was impossible to win from my sister. She’s quite the acrobat and had me down in seconds. But playing with Alex was the real challenge. I knew he had the advantage because he was smaller and more elastic, but I didn’t want him to just win. I wanted him to sweat and if I could I wanted to win. I concentrated on finding balance, which was hard with May yelling cheerfully in my ear.

We were both fully stretched out, Alex was hanging over me and I was in a very uncomfortable spider position and just one second from falling when May yelled “Right hand, yellow”. While trying to reach the yellow dot, Alex’ hand slipped. He fell on top of me and I felt the ache of my back hitting the ground. I didn’t care though. I’d just won and it felt sweet.

It took Alex seconds to come to terms with his loss and slowly removed himself from me. I high-fived May and stretched my back. “Not so fun now huh Alex” I said teasingly. He was dissing me before, when I lost from May, so he deserved this. The rest of the afternoon was filled with innocent banter between us, which led to May calling us a married couple. After that comment I noticed Alex being a little shy but I didn’t ask myself further questions about it.


	5. T.A. Edison

“I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.”  
― [ **Thomas A. Edison**](https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/3091287.Thomas_A_Edison)

##  Alex

“So do you like this shirt?” I ask Zach as I turn around wearing a deep blue shirt, one of the few without any funny quotes or anything else to cheer it up. Of course, I much rather just wear one of my normal shirts but Jessica was quite clear when she told me the dress code was casual- but not in a geek kind of way. I was kind of offended by the suggestion that my clothing was kind of geeky, but Zach assured me she just was kind of stressed out about our date.

Quite the opposite of me. Not that I wasn’t nervous at all, but I just saw no reason to freak out about our date. If it went well, great, if not well at least we tried.

“This one is great, I think Jess will like it, too.” Zach said, he was sitting on my bed not really paying attention. He was reading some sport magazine, which he found more interesting than helping me find the right thing to wear. Another sign to tell me he didn’t care at all that I was about to go on a date. It didn’t upset me, the opposite it made me want to have a great time with Jess.

Justin had been bothering me all week, giving me “tips” of what to do on my date to make it perfect. But most of the things he said were ridiculous. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings so I didn’t say.

“Where are you taking her anyway?” Zach asked looking up from his magazine. “I don’t know, she made reservations.” I admit. I know it sounds weird, but she insisted, telling me she had always wanted to go there but no guy ever took her. “And is she picking you up too?” Zach said with a mocking undertone, which I ignored. “Nope, I said I be at hers at 7.30” I looked at my watch. “Oh Shit! I have to go! You can stay as long as you want, though, my parents won’t come home tonight. They are staying with my aunt.” I had a feeling Zach was avoiding his house, again. Maybe his mom came home this weekend.

“Thanks. Good luck on your date. I know you’re gonna have great time and if there’s anything, I’m only a call away.” Zach said patting my shoulder. “Thanks” I say, not breaking the gaze. It’s different. I don’t know why, I don’t know how, but Zach looks at me different. It’s probably in my head, I know that but still.

His hand is still on my shoulder and I feel us both lean in a little. I never realized how deep his brown eyes are. His skin looks so soft and his lips so kissable. If only we move a little closer…

Suddenly the moment is broken by my phone. ”Uh, uh It’s probably Jess. Wondering where I am” I mutter, totally confused about what was happening. “Hi Jess, I was just about to – yes – I’m so sorry. Be right there, yeah me too. Bye” I say, I notice that Zach avoids my eyes. “Well, see you. I’ll tell you how it went.” I take my jacket from my chair and with one last look at Zach I leave the room.

Was this really in my head, or was there really a spark between us. Just when I’m about to give up on him, this happens. But what if it’s nothing. What if he’s freaked out and doesn’t want to talk to me anymore.

It’s better for the both of us if we just pretend that nothing happened. I’m going to have the best time with Jessica and ignore my still present crush on my best friend. I need to find happiness.

Jessica is waiting for me at her front door. She’s wearing a dark blue dress, which matches surprisingly well with my shirt. Is this a sign? Since when did I become a guy that believes in signs?!

Jessica gives clear directions to the restaurant and 20 minutes later we’re parked and seated in the restaurant. This place is amazing, somewhere between classy and casual. I can see why Jess likes it so much. She tells me a story about how her parents took her here for her 13th birthday party and how ever since then she knew she wanted to have a date here.

Talking with Jessica is surprisingly easy, she’s funny and there’s not a moment that I feel uncomfortable. We tell each other all kinds of stories, about our childhoods, family, parties, … .

It’s past midnight when we arrive back at her place. “Tonight was amazing, thanks Alex” Jessica says shyly. “I’m hoping we could do it over sometime soon?” She smiles and I can’t help but smile as well. “That sounds great, but I’m picking the place. Not that I didn’t like it, it’s just I think my friends are gonna make fun of me if they find out you arrange all our dates.” “Sounds like a fair deal”

I know what’s gonna happen next, but I’m still a little surprised when her lips touch mine. It’s a safe kiss, but it feels good. We break apart both smiling. “see you tomorrow I guess” She says, opening her car door but before stepping out she gives me a kiss on my cheek. “Bye”

I - for sure - had a better time than expected and honestly I can’t wait to hang out with her again. Who knows maybe this is the start of something special.


	6. A. Camus

“Don’t walk in front of me… I may not follow  
Don’t walk behind me… I may not lead  
Walk beside me… just be my friend”   
― [ **Albert Camus**](https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/957894.Albert_Camus)

 

## Zach

I’m sitting on Alex’ bed overthinking everything that happened a few hours ago. I was helping Alex finding the perfect thing to wear on his date and just as we were saying goodbye, we had a moment. Or at least that is what it felt like.

But how can it feel like that. I’m not attracted to Alex, am I? He’s fit, charming and stuff but I don’t fancy him. He’s my best friend for god’s sake.

I’ve known him for so long, I would have realized sooner if I liked him. Wouldn’t I?

Maybe I’m just a little jealous because his attention is going to be divided between me and a girlfriend. I’m sure it’s just that I’m worried we won’t hang out as much. And I’m jealous because he has someone and I don’t.

I never needed anyone, I had Alex. Not that Alex filled the spot of possible girlfriend, did he? No, we never made out or anything. Making out with Alex… No that’s wrong. We’re two boys. But who cares, you fall for who you fall don’t you?

What if I had deeper feelings for Alex? How would mom react? She would be very disappointed that I would be with someone like Alex? Maybe she wouldn’t care, but then again: What would her posh friends say when I came home with a boy?

But that won’t happen because my feelings are purely platonically. I like Alex because he’s my friend. Nothing more.

But why am I feeling uneasy knowing he’s probably having the time of his life with someone else than myself. Why do I feel sick to the stomach thinking about him kissing her?

Maybe I like Jess?

No definitely not, she’s cute and all but she’s too girly. Wait does that mean I’m gay?

I look at the clock, it’s 12 o’clock. Alex isn’t back yet. Maybe something has happened, should I call him to ask where he is? No that sounds like a bad idea, I’m not his parent, I shouldn’t be checking in on him. I wonder if his parents know he’s on a date.

What if Jessica is a psychopath and killing him as we speak. Maybe I should call Alex just to make sure he’s okay. I take my phone out of my pocket, ready to dial his number – of course I know it by heart, he’s my best friend who else should I call when I lose my phone? Not that I would have a phone to call him with, but anyway you get what I’m saying right? Who am I talking to anyway?!

Okay it’s official I’m going crazy. Thanks a lot Alex!

Suddenly there are noises downstairs, which can only mean two things: or Alex is finally home or there are burglars who are probably going to shoot me if they find out I’m still awake. I’m hoping it’s the first one. I don’t think the Standalls will like it if I get killed in their house.

 

I hide under the covers of Alex’ bed. I hear footsteps on the stairs and I’m crossing my fingers hoping that my best friend will open the door and not some creepy stranger.

“Zach are you still here?” I recognize his voice immediately and throw of all the blankets. “What were you doing?” Alex asks immediately when he sees me struggling to get away from under his bedsheets. “Building a camp?” it sounds more like a question than an answer, but Alex ignores the weirdness and takes off his shoes instead.

“So how was your date?” I ask trying to sound normal. “Actually-“ I don’t know what I want to hear. A part of me hopes that it went terrible but I’m still his friend and that would just be cruel. “I had a really good time. I never knew Jess was this funny, we told each other all kinds of stories the whole night. The food was amazing and we agreed that I can decide where to go on our next date”

Next date, he’s already made plans for a next date, that must mean he’s very serious. I wonder if they’ve kissed or even more… I shouldn’t be wondering about that sort of stuff. It shouldn’t matter to me, but it does.

Have Alex’ eyes always been this blue? Maybe it’s the light. Why am I looking in his eyes? Why am I noticing the color?

I am supposed to be his friends, his supportive friend. I wouldn’t want Alex to be like this when I went out with a girl. So I fake a smile and listen to him going on about how great Jess is. A part of me wonders if he felt something earlier, too.

“I’m glad I have you Zach, it’s great to have a friend to talk about this with.” Alex says at the end of his talk, looking genuinely happy that I was here. “Yeah, me too” I say, now certain that that’s all we’re supposed to be: _friends_.


	7. Dr. Seuss

“Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.”   
―  **[Dr. Seuss](https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/61105.Dr_Seuss)**

## Alex

The next couple of weeks seem to be those stolen from somebody else, I’ve never felt this happy, this… normal. For once life is going great: I have a lovable girlfriend, I have awesome friends, school’s going good, and I didn’t lose Zach. Zach’s still my best friend.

Just like me, he pretended that moment right before my date didn’t happen.

Jessica and I are a very normal high school couple. We don’t see each other all the time, but she sits next to me during lunch and the classes we got together. The only big change is that I take her to school instead of Zach taking me. It was not easy to tell Zach about that, but he was okay with it.

“Want to hang out after school?” Zach asks me in the locker room. It’s been ages since we’ve hung out together, alone, but I already made plans with Jess. “I’m sorry Jess and I were going to the movies, they’re playing a new one with zombies.”

“But you hate zombies!” Zach says a little annoyed.

“Well, yeah. But Jessica really likes the plot and I promised to go with her.” “It’s okay I guess” Zach still looks annoyed, even though he tries to hide it by putting on his shirt and avoiding my eyes.

 “I’m sorry, but how about tomorrow? I could tell Jess I want a guys’ night, she’ll understand.” “Maybe” I hear him say, but not at all excited.

“Okay, tell me. What’s wrong?” I ask, pulling his arm so he looks at me. All the other boys have left, so it’s just the two of us. “Nothing.” Zach says rolling his eyes. “Then why are you being like this?”

“Being like what? You’re the one with the girlfriend that takes up all your time. You don’t have time for your best friend anymore. And I tried to be cool about it, because she’s your first girlfriend and you deserve that and you deserve to be in love but I just feel like crap. And you keep saying we’ll hang out, but Jessica always gets in the way. Or she hangs out with us and it just seems like SHE is all that you can think about. I mean you even drive her to school, while driving together was _our_ thing! And I just really needed someone to talk to, but I guess that’s too much to ask” he blurts out in anger and I’m shook.

I honestly don’t know what to say, I had no idea he felt like this. But he’s right, I’ve kind of been oblivious to how he feels. I should have spent more time with him.

“I’m sorry Zach, I really am. I wish you would’ve told me sooner, made me realize that I was letting my friends down. I just… Things with Jess have been good, she’s the first girl that makes me feel _something._ I’ll tell you something, I’ll cancel my date with Jess tonight and we hang out and we talk.”

“You don’t have to do that-“ Zach starts, he seems a little embarrassed about his outburst. “I do.” I simply say and he smiles. It’s a smile that makes my heart melt. And in that moment, all the feelings come rushing back. It seems like the room is filled with electricity. I ignore these feelings and keep reminding myself that I’m in love with Jessica.

We leave the room and I’m happy to see that Zach is back to his usual happy self. “So tell me how did Jessica convince you to come to the Zombies movie in the first place, I mean you HATE zombies. Last year I tried to make you play a video game with zombies in it and I thought you were going to kill me afterwards.” “I do really hate zombies, they’re just so lame all they do is look stupid and eat brains, and you would think by eating brains you become smarter but no they just stay emotionless and dumb as hell.”

…

It’s lunch break and me and Jess are outside enjoying some of the sun. It’s march so it’s still pretty cold, but it’s a beautiful day and besides I have something to tell her I rather not tell her when our friends are with us. Jessica seems not to be her usual self, and I wonder what is in the air today. I just hope, me cancelling the date won’t make it worse.

“So then Mike calls me up and he’s like can you let me copy your history essay, like seriously can you believe that dude?!” Jess asks me but I wasn’t really paying attention. “That’s unbelievable, but anyway Jess I wanted to talk about tonight-“ “Yeah, I’m really looking forward to it. It’s the movie everyone’s been talking about ever since it’s production, it’s going to be epic!”

“I don’t really know how to put this, but Zach has been in a pretty bad place and I just feel like it’s my duty as his best friend to cheer him up, you know. So, I kind of promised we would hang out after school…”

“So you’re bailing on me?” Jessica asks irritated. “Can’t he wait until tomorrow when we don’t have plans?!”

“But the thing is, he’s been asking to hang out for forever but I always said no because I had plans with you.”

“And that’s my fault?!” she is furious.

“Jess please- “

“If you rather hang out with your ‘best friend’ that’s okay for me, but don’t expect me to stay home and cry because my boyfriend doesn’t have time for me”

“That’s not fair! I always put you first, I always hang out with you. I even let you talk me into watching a Barbie marathon, like do you know how much I HATE those movies?!”

Jess now has tears in her eyes and she starts screaming even louder, I’m pretty sure the whole school can hear us fighting. “I’M SORRY IF IT’S NOT MANLY ENOUGH AND THAT YOU RATHER HANG OUT WITH YOUR JOCKS!” she grabs her bag and runs away.

Well, that didn’t go well.

…

“You’ve been quiet, is everything alright?” Zach asks while he opens the crisps. We’re at his house, May is at a friend and who knows where Zach’s mom is.

“No, not at all” I say while drinking the soda Zach handed me a few minutes ago. “Girl problems?” Zach asks and I just nod.

“I don’t get it, I’ve been spending so much time with her but when I ask for a night off she yells at me saying I don’t ever give her attention.” I sigh.

“Maybe she is just insecure. Maybe she thinks you pick me over her.” Zach says wisely. I look at him, “But you’re my best friend, it’s normal to hang out with you, isn’t it.”

“Let’s talk about something else, get your mind of her for one evening.” “That sounds like a great idea.”

Zach starts up the game and gives me a controller. “But you said you wanted to talk to me. I’m all ears.”

“It’s not important, I don’t want to bother you. I was just… upset.” He looks away a little ashamed and I hate that he feels like this. I put my hand on his knee, which makes him look at me. “Zach, you can tell me anything.” It’s barely a whisper but I know that he hears every word.

“It’s just, my mom is even worse than before. Maybe I just realize it more now, because I don’t have you to rant to about it.” “You can always rant about your mom to me, I don’t mind if you call me up at night just to express all your frustrations. It isn’t easy. But she loves you, don’t forget that.” “Maybe.”

We spent the rest of the night playing video games, eating unhealthy shit and just talking. I missed this.

I decide to stay over, but since neither of us really wants to move, we crash on Zach’s couch, which is big enough to fit both of us anyway. We both fall asleep, but I’m woken up only half an hour later by a text message from Scott Reed.

It’s a picture from Jessica and Justin making out and with it a text message saying: “You don’t know shit!”


	8. P. Neruda

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OymVgai_PVg
> 
> I'm in love with this song and it sort of fits the chapter so please make sure to check it out, I promise you won't regret it ;)
> 
> And also thank you so much for the kudos and comments! I hope you enjoy this chapter ♥

 “I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.”

― **Pablo Neruda, 100 Love Sonnets**

##  Zach

I woke up by sudden movement next to me. “Hey, what’s up?” I ask while rubbing my eyes. I look to Alex and see him paralyzed staring at something on his phone. By the expression on his face I can tell that it’s something horrifying.

My voice seems to wake him up from the stupefied state he was in. Without saying a word he shows me his phone. I can see a picture of a brunette girl kissing a boy who looks just like Justin. Wait a second, that boy is Justin and now that I look closer I can see the highlights in the girl’s hair. It’s Jessica.

“Holy shit” I say speechless. I never expected Justin to be that low and Jessica, Alex loved the girl and the one moment he doesn’t hang out with her she goes around kissing his friends. If it wasn’t for the picture and someone would come up to me tomorrow to tell me what had happened, I wouldn’t believe them. But this picture is definite proof that something happened. Whether it was just a kiss or more doesn’t matter, Jessica betrayed Alex. I will never forgive her for that.

“I’m sorry dude” I put my hand on his shoulder. He still isn’t able to speak. I just feel like crap, I wish I could punch them both in the face right now. I can’t shake away this feeling of anger, I just have to let it out. “God, I hate them. I’m gonna call Justin right now and I just-“

“No you’re not. Zach, Justin is our friend” Alex says monotonously, like he’s talking about the weather.

“But Alex, he made out with YOUR girlfriend! How can you say that he’s our friend?!” I know I’m probably talking way too loud, but who cares – nobody hurts _my_ Alex!

“Zach, calm down okay.” Alex says calmly, he places a hand on my chest and pushes me back into my seat. “Have you gone mad, Alex? I thought Jessica was all over you, but you’re not that guy in the picture, are you?!”

“No, I’m not. But Jess, knew what she was throwing away when she kissed him, didn’t she. Apparently I wasn’t good enough for her, so that’s her decision.” He says and he looks like a hopeless puppy.

How can he ever think he’s not good enough for someone? He’s everything a girl or guy needs. He’s the reason for every smile on my face. He’s the reason why I get going. He’s everything to me.

I bite my lip, I have to keep this feelings inside. The last thing he needs to hear right now is about my stupid crush on him.

But still there is this voice inside of me that tells me that the exact thing he wants to hear right now is me saying I love him and want to be with him.

“You’re good enough for me” I say, it’s barely a whisper. But I know he hears me. He looks at me with bright blue eyes and I wonder what he’s thinking.

“Are you joking Zach?” he asks insecure.

I look away, overthinking what I’m going to say next. Alex interprets my silence wrong and starts speaking himself:

“Please, don’t joke. Don’t make up all these sweet things because you feel sorry for me. I don’t want you saying things you don’t mean and me fantasizing about something that will never happen anyway. I know you probably feel like it’s your duty as best friend to make me feel better, but honestly all these months – what am I saying, years. I was pining away, I was longing for you. I know you probably noticed and I don’t want you to pretend-“

“Wow stop there Alex, I’m not pretending. I really…” I interrupt, but the last words just won’t come out. I’m tongue tied. Even though I just really want to shout it over the rooftops, saying it just takes a lot of courage and I’m not sure if I’m up to it.

But before I say something else to make it worse, or better, Alex says everything I wanted to hear for so long.

“I love you Zach, I love you like I never loved anyone. I love you as more than a friend. I love you as a soulmate, a partner in crime, a lover.”

My heart can’t handle all these emotions and neither can my head. I’m paralyzed. Alex just admitted he loves me. And now I should tell him all the things I feel, before he runs away thinking I don’t.

“But you clearly don’t feel the same way, so I better pack my stuff and go” Alex says looking devastated, tears in his eyes. Tears who weren’t there for Jessica, but are for me. He stands up, I stop him from going away.

“No stay please, I’m not as good with words as you are. But I want you to know that I feel the same. Even though it’s scary as hell and I’m not really sure how to handle everything I feel. I just know that I never felt this before and I’m quite certain I won’t ever feel this for anyone except you. You’re the first thing, I think about when I wake up and the last when I go to sleep. And I know it’s sounds sappy, but it’s true-“

“It does sound sappy, yeah” Alex agrees, still tears in his eyes but combined with a very big smile now. I take his hands in mine and say everything else that’s been on my mind since that moment we had a few weeks ago.

“I know it took a while for me to realize but it’s always been you. I was never interested in anybody else. You’re everything I need. And I promise to be exactly that to you, everything you need.”

I place both my hands on his face and take a deep breath, before I lean in and kiss him. I’m relieved when he kisses back almost immediately. The kiss is fiercely and passionate and perfect.


	9. M. Monroe

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”  
― Marilyn Monroe  
  
**Alex**  


‘Already missing you 😍😘’

I smile when I see Zach’s text, he’s adorable. I stayed over at his place for the night, but I thought it would be better to go home and meet up with Jessica to say that we’re over.

There’s still a wide grin spread over my face. I can’t help it, I’ve never been so happy before in my entire life. Zach and I spend the whole night curled up in each other’s arms, sometimes asleep, sometimes awake. It felt amazing to be held by two strong arms.

In all these times that I’ve imagined it, now it’s finally real.

‘You’re so sappy, Zach! But TBH I’m missing you too 😉😏’

I enter my house, my mom is eating breakfast in the kitchen and notices my happy mood in a blink of an eye. “You seem happy, how was your night with Zach?” “Good” I say mysteriously, I don’t think I’m ready to tell her yet that Zach and I sort of became a thing last night.

“Mmhm” she says, inspecting me but not saying anything else. “I already had breakfast, so I’ll just go to my room.” “Okay, see you later. And Alex you know that if something has happened, I’m obligated to know – as your mother.” She winks. “Yes mom” I leave the room as fast as I can before I start blurting everything out.

Once I’m in my room, I’m not sure what to do next. I know I should talk to Jessica, but even though I pretended that it didn’t matter that much to me last night, it actually hurts a lot to think about her just kissing another guy. And what makes it worse is that that ‘random’ guy was supposed to be a friend.

A friend who even helped me to get the girl in the first place. If he would’ve let it go right there and then; Jess and I wouldn’t have become an item in the first place, and he could’ve gone out with her instead of betraying me.

Honestly, I knew that Jessica and I weren’t made for each other but I still thought I meant more to her than some disposable thing she could just throw away when she wanted to.

‘Hey, can we meet up? X’

I delete and rewrite the ‘x’ a couple of times, but I’m afraid if I don’t type it, she will realize I already know something and maybe she will come up with excuses and honestly I can’t handle that. I deserve the truth.

‘Yes, I’d love to see you. 10.30 my house? X’

‘Okay X’

I still have over an hour to get ready so I take a shower. I have never felt this nervous in my entire life and I even don’t know why, because I’m not the one who has cheated on their partner. Well, actually I have but that was after I saw the picture of her kissing Justin.

Should I feel guilty because of what happened with Zach? Should I tell her about it? I mean she will find out sooner or later, won’t she?

Zach and I didn’t even have ‘the relationship’ talk. Maybe he wanted to keep our relationship a secret, I mean he’s one of the most popular guys at school, maybe he’s afraid that this could ruin his reputation. Zach usually didn’t care much about that, but still.

Now I’m ever more worried, what if Zach wants to keep it between us? Would I mind? Would I tell him I can’t or would I give in, even though that’s not how I want things to turn out?

We only have been together for one night and it’s already more complicated than I imagined it to be. But that doesn’t mean that I will not fight for it. Zach’s the best thing to happen to me in a long, long time and now that I finally have him, I won’t let him go that easily.

I go downstairs, my mom is still sitting at the kitchen table, reading the newspaper. “Hi Alex, where you off to? You’ve just been to Zach, you even stayed over. Are you really planning to go over there just an hour after you left? Can’t stay away for much longer, can you?” I know she’s just messing with me but I feel myself starting to go red. Even though I’m not even going to Zach!

“I’m actually going to Jess, mom” I say. “Ohh you two are still together? I just figured since you’ve been hanging out with Zach again-“

“one night mom”

“still. It looked as though you were trying to avoid him earlier and I was quite happy when you started to hang out with him again. You know he’s always welcome here, right?”

 “Of course I do mom, Zach is here more than at his own house.”

“Not over the past couple of weeks” she argues.

“I’ve got to go, bye” I say a little tired of this conversation, I grab a jacket and my keys and go to my car. Damn she can be so exhausting. She probably knows something, but I have no clue what and I don’t want to spend my time wondering.

\---

I take a deep breath before I walk to my ‘girlfriend’s’ front door. This isn’t going to be easy. I ring the bell and I’m quite surprised when not Jessica but her mom opens the door. I thought she would be home alone.

“Hi sweety” Jessica’s mom opens the door. “Hi Mrs. Davis” I say shyly. This is only the third time that I see her. “You come for my daughter, come in.” “Thank you” I enter Jessica’s house, which is twice the size of my own house. But not as big as Zach’s, though. It’s also clear that Jessica’s parents are still trying to make this place a home for her, even though they both have a busy career.

“Hi Alex” Jessica says in her normal tone, not at all realizing what I am here for. “I’ll make some tea, want some Alex?” “No thank you” I’m hoping for some alone time. I don’t want her mother to overhear.

“Fancy a walk?” I ask trying to sound normal and calm. But I see in Jess’ eyes that she knows something is up. “Yeah, yeah of course.” She says goodbye to her mom, grabs her jacket and puts on shoes. We walk for a while in silence.

“Is something wrong?” Jessica asks. There is a lot of tension between us. “I think there is” I start, I take a deep breath and go on: “I was over a Zach’s last night and just when I’m about to go asleep I got this crazy message saying that ‘I don’t know shit’ and with it there’s a picture of this girl and boy kissing.”

Jess’ eyes avoid mine: “Oh really” her voice is high pitched and she’s getting really uncomfortable.

“I can tell you know what I’m talking about right?” I say not angry, I just want to know what happened.

“Look Alex, it’s not what you think alright.” “Then tell me what happened.” “Okay, I was ranting to Justin how you had let me down to go see that movie – which was really great by the way – he offered to come with me, so I wouldn’t be alone. We talked a lot and it was great, but he isn’t you though.”

“If he isn’t me, I don’t get why you were kissing him.” I state coldly.

“Listen, I never meant for it to happen. It just did. Justin took me to a party at Jeff’s place after. We drank a lot and one thing led to another. But I promise you, Alex, what I feel for Justin isn’t worth losing you over.” She stops walking and grabs my hand. “You’re the only one for me.”

“I thought so, too, but when I saw that picture of you and Justin I knew things were over between us.” “But Alex please-“ she has tears in her eyes and it’s heartbreaking to see, but neither one of us deserves to be in this relationship if it doesn’t mean anything.

“Listen Jess, I don’t know how to explain, but seeing that picture of you and Justin made me realize that we’re just pretending. What we have isn’t real. We’re holding onto something that started as a lie, but we were afraid to let it go because it was so familiar. My feelings for you were never just as strong as my feelings for Za- for someone else.”

“But I love you!” She says, tears welling up in her eyes.

“And I thought I loved you, but if I’m honest to myself, I know that being in this relationship with you was mostly to forget about somebody I thought I could never have. And you being with me was out of fear of being alone.

“How can you say that!” Jessica is red from anger. “I care about you.”

“That might be true, but if this relationship really meant a lot to you, you wouldn’t just throw it away for one night with another guy.”

Tears are now streaming down her face. “So you’re breaking up with me?”

“I think that it’s for the best, we deserve better.” I let go of her hands. It’s quiet for a while.

“I’m sorry” it’s barely a whisper but I can hear it. “Me too” She wraps her arms around me and I hug her back.

“I think I should go, though” I say after we both let each other go. I start to walk away with my back to her. “Zach really is a lucky guy, I hope he knows that.” I turn around, how could she know that we are…

“I can see the way he looks at you and the way you look at him. You two deserve to be happy.” She says, biting her lip and forcing herself to smile. “Thank you” I smile back.

\---

I come home wondering how exactly I should feel. Because on one hand I’m relieved things are over, but on the other hand Jess was kind of my first girlfriend. And we had some good times, too.

I can’t dwell on it, because my phone rings. It’s Zach. Time to tell him about everything that just happened. I’m sure he’ll be glad to hear I’m single again. The only question that remains if for how long?!

 

 


End file.
